How to Get Out of the Friend Zone: 5 Steps To Actually Escape!

how to get out of the friend zone

Ahh the almighty ‘friend zone’. The toxic, no-go land you NEVER want to step foot in.

But somehow, somewhere along the line, you’ve made a few wrong turns with the girl you like, and unknowingly trespassed your way deep inside…

So continue reading, and I’ll show you exactly how to get out of the friend zone so you can leave this land of purgatory for dust, never to step foot in again.

The friend zone sucks. Believe me, I know! I’ve been there countless times. But rest assured, I’m a 3-time escapee and I’m here to give you the blueprint to tunnel yourself out.

Because the friend zone is no place you want to stick around.

So much so, I like to compare the friend zone to the 30km exclusion zone around Chernobyl nuclear power plant. An area so hazardous to your health, it will slowly eat away at you, the longer you stay.

the friend zone is no place to be

image: Getty

The radiation lining the air is like the frustration of knowing the girl you’re falling for, isn’t attracted to you, sexually. And the longer you stay put, the more love sick and resentful you’ll become.

Especially if the girl you like has no idea you have feelings for her!

Because the deeper you fall into the friend zone, without being honest about your feelings, the more likely she’ll talk about other guys she likes. Or worse, who she’s banging…

And you don’t need me to tell you how heart-wrenching this is…

So today is your turning point. The day you decide to take action and fix this once and for all.

But first, a word of warning….this isn’t going to be easy.

There is NO quick fix to escaping the friend zone. There is NO magic bullet, and there is NO carefully constructed ‘line’ you can use to convince a girl into liking you. It goes much deeper than that.

You’re gonna have to make some drastic changes if you want any chance of shifting the dynamic of this unbalanced ‘friendship’ agreement.

So be prepared for some brutal truths. I’m gonna be hard on you. But trust me when I say this – it’s for your own damn good.

Because if this girl means a lot to you… which I’m sure to hell she does, then I’m confident you’ll do whatever it takes to go from “just friends” to “just had sex”.

how to escape the friend zone with your dream girl

And I’m guessing you’d love her to be your girlfriend someday too? So let me help you get out of the friend zone and get you your dream girl!

The first necessary step to escaping the friend zone is understanding why exactly you got stuck there in the first place.

Then later, I‘ll give you my five step escape plan on how to get out of the friend zone and turn this platonic relationship into a sexual relationship.

Ready? OK. Lets dive straight in.

Why you’re in the friend zone

There are three reasons why you’ve fallen victim to the friend zone. Hopefully these resonate with you, so you can begin to understand the scale of the task that lies ahead.

1. You have an ‘unbalanced’ friendship agreement

At present, you’re partaking in an ‘unbalanced’ friendship agreement. What this means is this – you want something from this girl that she can’t currently provide – a sexual relationship. Whereas she, on the other hand, is getting everything she wants out of this relationship – to have you as a supportive ‘friend’.

All relationships – whether platonic or sexual – work on a ‘quid pro quo’ basis. Basically, on a give and take agreement. You invest whatever you’re willing to give, in order to get what you want in return from the other person.

If you’ve watched The Departed, you’ll recall Frank Costello (Jack Nicholson) talking to Billy Costigan (Leonardo DiCaprio), and saying:

imbalanced relationships

Right now, this girl is “using you” to get exactly what she wants – a friend.

Where as you’re not getting what YOU want…

Instead, you’re playing the role of the ‘boyfriend’ without any of the sexual benefits of actually being her boyfriend.

So you’re probably doing some of the following:

  • Texting back straight away and being readily available
  • Giving her lifts like you’re her personal taxi service
  • Listening to all her problems and playing the role of her therapist
  • Buying her gifts, or you’re her coffee bitch
  • Cancelling your plans at the drop of a pin if she wants to meet up

She has you wrapped around her finger, and she probably knows it. The power is in her court and the dynamic of the relationship is totally out of whack.

If this is the case, the only way you can get out of the friend zone is to completely change the dynamic of the relationship. And to re-assess the role you are playing. Only then can you start to rebalance the scales.

2. You’re a Nice Guy

The most common cause of this ‘unbalanced’ friendship exchange is – nice guy syndrome.

When you realised you caught feelings for this girl, you might have unknowingly put her on a pedestal and did everything you could to win her approval.

Basically you bended over backwards for this girl, in the hope that she’d someday appreciate you for all the kind favours – reward you sexually, and realise you were boyfriend material all along.

Like with the points highlighted above, typical nice guy traits include – being the girl’s therapist, her personal Uber driver, and always readily available to text, speak on the phone, or meet in person.

being the nice guy will put you in the friend zone

Now, this may not be the case, so apologies if I’m making gross assumptions. But statistically speaking, nice guy syndrome is responsible for about 85% of friend zone cases.

So if this is you, you must stop doing whatever it is you’re doing. It’s time you take a completely different approach…

3. You failed to express sexual interest

Somewhere along the line, you didn’t make your sexual intentions clear. There was miscommunication. The girl you’re into assumed you just wanted to be friends, and as such, the relationship has been sculpted and formed in this way.

Basically you friend zoned yourself. And I know this is a bitter pill to swallow, but honestly you’d be kidding yourself if you thought she single handedly put you there.

YOUR actions and habits put you in the friend zone. Not hers.

You’re in the friend zone because you either failed to make a move, or you failed to tell her how you truly feel. Whatever the reason maybe, you were likely afraid of rejection or worried about damaging the friendship you already have with this girl.

The number one easiest way to avoid the friend zone is to express your sexual intent early on in the interaction! Whether that’s with compliments, flirting, physical touch, going in for the kiss, or confessing how you feel… it’s better to know where you stand, rather than wasting your time with someone who doesn’t love you back.

But hey, if you’re reading this, it’s a little too late for Captain hindsight…

express your sexual desire early on

So, the first step on how to get out of the friend zone is quite simply this…. to take responsibility for your actions and accept through no fault other than your own, you’ve landed head-first into the friend zone.

And don’t think for one second you’re a victim of society’s ‘bullshit’. Because badboys and jerks are NOT to blame. And it’s definitely NOT because your crush fails to see what a ‘great guy’ you are….

Accept that everything you’ve done up until now hasn’t work. All your actions and habits have brought you to where you are today.

To escape the friend zone, understand that a completely different approach is needed. Because with this, two very important things need to happen:

  1. There needs to be a categoric shift in the dynamic and the role you play within the relationship
  2. A personal transformation is in order – your actions, behaviour and mindset need an overhaul for you to have any chance of bedding this woman.

So are you ready? *Inhales deep breathe*

Let’s get you out!

How to get out of the friend zone

escape the friend zone 5 step plan

Laid out below is my tried and tested blueprint on how to get out of the friend zone! This won’t be easy. You’ve been warned. But the toughest challenges reap the greatest rewards 😉

It’s down to you to grab your balls and take action. Be a man who goes after what he wants in life, and do what it takes to get the girl.

STEP 1. Create Space Between you

Step one requires a complete momentum shift in the relationship. Something drastic needs to happen to switch the dynamic and the role you’re currently playing in this unbalanced ‘friendship’ agreement.

If you’ve ever watched tennis on TV, you maybe familiar with the term – ‘momentum shift’.

It’s basically what follows a turning point in a match. Let’s look at an example to explain this:

Tennis Player X is dominating his opponent and cruising to victory over Player Y. When all of a sudden, something happens in the game… (This could be a bad line call, a long rally, or a tightly contested service game which Player Y eventually wins.)

As a result of this event, it proves to be the turning point in the game, where Player Y overturns the match to beat Player X.

The turning point causes a ‘momentum shift’ in the match which dictates how the rest of the game plays out.

And the turning point YOU need, to turn this platonic relationship around is… space. And lot’s of it… You need to make yourself scarce as of right now!

create space to shift the momentum

Creating space will completely flip around the dynamic and provide the momentum shift you need to rebalance the investment scales.

As hard as it is to cut this girl out of your life, remember it’s only temporary.

Because you HAVE to be willing to walk away from this relationship if you’re not getting what you want.

Why does creating space work?

In social psychology terms, “Humans place a higher value on an object that is scarce”.

Creating scarcity will make her want you more. If you give her the gift of ‘missing you’ she will start to realise how much she appreciates you and needs you.

In a weird roundabout way – by NOT giving her attention, you will get MORE attention! Because by creating space, she’ll start to think about you, miss you, and wonder what happened between you both.

To successfully create space you need to STOP doing any of the following:

  • Stop texting back straight away, stop calling or receiving her phone calls
  • Stop meeting up in person
  • Stop doing her favours
  • and stop solving all her problems!

Once you start doing this, it subtly communicates you have other cool shit going on in your life, you’re too busy, and she’s no longer the centre of your attention.

Step one is extremely powerful. And the more self discipline you have to go radio silent and not contact her, the more likely you’ll escape the friend zone.

Creating space builds curiosity and mystery. She’ll start seeing you as a man in high demand. And this is the turning point you need to shift the momentum in the relationship.

How long do you need to ‘create space’ for?

There are two common scenarios men find themselves when friend zoned:

Scenario A) You revealed your emotions and she rejected you, saying something like “let’s just be friends” – in this situation, create space for 3+ months.

Scenario B) You have NOT revealed your emotions yet, and she is under the impression you don’t have feelings for her – create space for at least 1 month.

STEP 2. Self Improvement. Become an attractive man

become an attractive man

Whilst you’re applying STEP 1 and creating space, use the time wisely for self improvement.

This downtime is your uptime to reinvent yourself as a highly desirable man. Because with STEP 2. your aim is to make this girl change her perspective about you. You want to become someone she finds attractive. Someone who she wouldd jump into bed with!

And this requires a lot of effort on your part. Because when you create space, you can’t just appear like you’re busy, you have to actually BE BUSY! Otherwise it’s in genuine, she won’t notice your transformation, and she’ll still weigh heavily on your mind.

Self improvement is absolutely necessary in this downtime if you want this girl to become sexually attracted to you.

So join a gym, expand your social circle, take up that hobby you’ve always dreamed of, or go on a life-changing trip abroad. Whatever you do, make sure to document it on Instagram so she can see the transformation first hand 😉

And take time out of this ‘friendship sabbatical’ to discover what it takes to be an attractive man. Because I hate to admit it, but there’s good reason she doesn’t currently find you attractive…and doesn’t see you as boyfriend material. But don’t worry, that will all change.

This downtime is the perfect time to learn the art of seduction and discover exactly how to become ‘boyfriend material’. Because you need to be 100% prepared for when you meet up with her again in STEP 4.

STEP 3. Create Competition

Abundance mindset is key. Go out there and date other women! It’s not healthy to obsess over this one girl. You gotta see what other opportunities are out there.

date other women to get out the friend zone

By doing so, you may come to realise that this friend zone girl you previously put on a pedestal, isn’t actually that special after all…

Because in this phase of self improvement and discovery, you could meet a girl much better suited for you, someone who likes you back and is ready for a loyal, loving relationship.

Whatever happens, creating competition by dating other women is a win win.

Not only will you meet some amazing new women and improve your dating skills, but also, by increasing your options you’ll spark the attention of the friend zone girl.

Women are inherently competitive by nature….and a little bit of jealousy never hurt anyone. So if you’re seen to be attractive by other women, the friend zone girl will likely become very jealous.

And as a direct result of this, you’ll likely see a dramatic change in her behaviour. She’ll start competing for your attention, liking your latest Instagram topless beach shots, or asking “who are these other girls you’re a dating?”.

It’s important to note: whilst you’re transitioning through STEPS 1-3, you must remain unavailable to the friend zone girl as much as conceivably possible. Keep any interactions to a bare minimum and maintain the allure of mystery…

If she’s curious about what you’re up to, she can stalk your Instagram and other social media accounts for answers.

use social media to get out of the friend zone

image: NewStatesMan.com

And Instagram is your best wingman for escaping the friend zone. So spam accordingly. Show off that summer body you’ve worked tirelessly for in the gym. Post group photos with friends at parties. And share Insta stories that subtly imply you’re seeing other chicks.

STEP 4: Re-Engage with her

By this stage you’re well travelled down the road to redemption! It’s time to re-engage with this girl and meet up in person.

But this time, you’re going to play things VERY differently. Because if you’ve do everything strictly by the book, then you’ll come to realise you don’t need this girl anymore. The ball is in your court to control the interaction, and get what you want out of it.

The dynamic in the relationship has changed. No longer is it “up to her” when and where you meet up. You are the one calling the shots now.

So now is NOT the time to slip into old habits – no neediness, no eagerness and no playing Mr Nice Guy…. otherwise you’ll slip straight back into the friend zone.

When you re-engage with her, this is exactly what you should be doing differently to escape the friend zone:

1. Have a fresh new look. Whether that’s a new hairstyle, fashion sense, tattoo or item of jewellery, show you’re a changed man, physically. This will build her intrigue and curiosity.

change your look to escape the friend zone

She’ll wonder what the hell happened to you during the time you’ve been apart?! And with this, she’ll start to see you in a different light…

2. Be less available. You have scarcity of time now. She should be the one fitting her plans around you. This girl is not your priority anymore, so be willing to walk away – tell her your busy, and don’t be afraid to cancel plans with her if something more important crops up.

3. Get her doing favours for YOU. If she wants to be in your life, then she should be fighting for your approval. Go as far as to pretend she’s your Personal Assistant, or even Siri! Ask her to help you out with things you could otherwise easily do yourself.

4. Talk candidly about other girls you’re seeing. Let her know you’re a man in high demand. Other women find you attractive and you’ve developed as a human being since you last met up in person.

5. Flirt with her and constantly tease her. Don’t be afraid to risk offending her. No more Mr Nice Guy! Instead, break her balls. Interact with her like you would a sister (if you get my gist). Risk being flirtatious because heck, you have nothing to lose, right?! You don’t need her as a friend anymore.

STEP 5: Express your sexual desire

Accept that this could go one way or the other. You need to risk adversity and be prepared for rejection.

Because the final step in this ‘how to get out of the friend zone’ puzzle is to express your sexual intent, make a move, and put rejection on the line.

So just think for second….what’s really the worse thing that can happen if she rejects you? Honestly. Yes… it might be awkward, there’s a chance she’ll back away from the kiss, and yes….she might tell a few of her friends. But really, that’s as far as it goes.

You’ll actually be relieved to FINALLY know where you stand. It’s uplifting!

risk rejection to avoid the friend zone

Revealing your emotions and risking rejection is a win win situation.

If she reciprocates and likes you back, then great! – you’re on the highway to destination ‘girlfriend’. You can stop playing guessing games and instead, get to the good stuff between the sheets 😉

But if she rejects you, at least you can stop wasting your time. You can move on, content in the knowledge you went after what you want. And that’s amazing my man!

You’ll be unshackled. With no ‘what ifs’ clouding your mind. Finally free to give yourself fully to someone else. Someone who won’t cause you endless frustration and suffering, and instead, will love you back and like you for you.

But obviously, I don’t want this happening to you ☝️ I don’t want you to get rejected and friend zoned once again. So the following advice is damage limitation…

Because I want you to have the best possible chance of her:

  • reciprocating the first kiss
  • saying YES to going on a date with you
  • saying YES to going home with you
  • And saying YES to being your girlfriend

And the only way to can do this is with baby steps. To successfully reveal your emotions and sexual desire, you need to do it slowly and smoothly.

You can’t take any shortcuts and jump straight to the finish line! So NO surprise lunges for the first kiss, and definitely NO spilling your heart out.

Only reveal as much as she’s happy to reveal. Match her investment levels. So if she says she likes you, simply say “me too”. Don’t break into a speech about how you’ve been madly in love with her since the first day you laid eyes on her.

You’ve gotta protect yourself from getting hurt. If you come on too strong, you’ll only scare her away.

Because at any stage, if she senses the investment level is off balance (you’re way more into her than she’s into you), she’ll panic and opt out.

investment levels off balance will friend zone you

So if your eyes are glazed over with thoughts of walking her down the aisle, or she catches you peeking at diapers in Walmart, she’ll demote you straight back to the friend zone.

To prevent the chance of rejection, here’s how to express your sexual desire and reveal your emotions in the correct way:

1. Look for signs of interest. See if you can sense a change in the dynamic. Is she the one wanting to meet up all the time, initiating texts conversations every day, or calling you? Does she get jealous when you talk about other girls? Is she liking your sexualised Instagram posts? These are all things to look out for. Be on the prowl for positive signs she’s into you before making a move.

2. Be flirty and compliment her sexually. Avoid surface level, boring conversation. No nice guy safe chat. If you want any chance of breaking the friend zone dynamic you absolutely MUST start sexualising the conversation, flirting with her, and teasing her incessantly.

Also make sure to throw in some physical compliments here and there. But nothing too intense or Romeo & Juliet esq.

compliment her physically to avoid the friend zone

Just start by expressing your desire in a nonchalant way. Mention subtle things like “your hair looks amazing today” or “that dress really brings out the colour of your eyes. You look above average ;)”.

3. Build physical touch slowly. Once you’ve sensed the vibe is right (she’s into you), and theres been good back and forth with the flirty banter, it’s time to break the touch barrier.

Start off with light, inoffensive touches, and work your way up from there. Baby steps remember!

Test her reaction. Is she comfortable with you touching her? If she reciprocates and doesn’t shrug you off, begin to escalate the touch further. For more tips on seduction and physical escalation check out my article here.

4. Go in for the kiss. Never verbally reveal your emotions before kissing the girl. The kiss is effectively all you need as a ‘test’ to determine if she’s attracted to you or not.

If you verbally reveal your emotions before getting sexual, it’s like asking for a girl’s permission to kiss her. Like you need a contractual agreement abolishing you from the friend zone before you can proceed with the seduction!

And that’s never good. It just makes things super awkward and disrupts the flow of the seduction.

So strategically dodge any chat about “how you feel” until AFTER you’ve become sexually intimate. Just let the seduction flow and worry about having the “I like you, do you like me” chat later down the line.

Complete Step 5, and you will successfully escape the friend zone!

Wrapping it up

Wow! So that concludes this lengthy guide on how to escape the friend zone. Hopefully you’ve come to understand the mistakes you’ve made, and you’re ready to take action with the task that lies ahead!

Remember, self discipline is key to your escape. A categoric change in the dynamic is necessary to tunnel yourself out. So don’t be afraid to date other women and have space apart from this girl you like.

I hope you’ve enjoyed my article on how to get out of the friend zone! If you truly want to turn this girl into your girlfriend, my 5-step escape plan is all you need. It’s worked for me, it’s worked for hundreds of my clients, and I can say with confidence, it will work for you too. So good luck my friend 😉

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