Let me guess, you were texting back and forth, things were going well, then suddenly out of nowhere… she ghosted you.
Like what the hell happened?!… Why is she ghosting me? Is it something I said?…
As shocking as it is, and as heart wrenching as it may feel right now, there are many reasons why she’s probably gone cold. And in this article you’ll discover exactly why she’s ghosting you, and what you can do to rectify the situation.
I like to think I’m a good judge of this…why? Because I’m a girl, and a serial ghoster myself. It pains me to say it, but I’m guilty of ghosting guys A LOT… so to answer your question – “why is she ghosting me?”
I think the answer lies inside a female’s brain. So let me tell you what girls think – what goes on in our heads to make that decision to leave a guy on read.
This way, you can learn from your mistakes, make some changes to the way you message her, and hopefully get back on track!
And don’t worry, ghosting is pretty common these days. In fact GQ reported that over 70% of men admit to being ghosted. And honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if that number is higher…
New data shows that women are 150% more likely to ghost than men are! (I’m not making this up!).
Maybe she’s afraid to hurt your feelings, maybe she’s worried about the confrontation, or maybe she just can’t be bothered…
Whatever her reasons may be, the key is not to find yourself in a position where ghosting you becomes an option for her.
Why is she ghosting me? The Facts
Being ghosted can happen at any point in the relationship. You might be still trying to get her out on the first date, or maybe you’ve already hung out a couple of times and she’s gone cold.
A recent study on Buzzfeed show the two main reasons for ghosting are:
#1 She’s not interested
#2 You did something to annoy her or piss her off.
Which kinda makes sense, right?
Here’s a breakdown of all the main reasons why she’s probably ghosting you:
But this only paints half the picture…
You’re probably still confused or feel like this is coming out of nowhere… So let’s delve deeper into the two most common reasons you’re on the receiving end of a ghosting session. And see where exactly you might be going wrong…
80% of the time, she ghosted you because of something you texted her… So read through the screenshots below and see if you can recognize yourself in some of these guys.
We’ll kick things off with the #1 most common reason girls ghost guys:
1. “I wasn’t into them”
Maybe she’s just not that into you…
Okay. Fair enough. But how did we even get here?
Whether you’ve had luck with girls in the past and just can’t seem to get this one particular girl to bite, or you are an experienced victim of ghosting, here are the 3 main reasons she’s not responding:
You’re too eager
The last thing you want is for a girl to feel like she’s doing you a favour by answering your messages or spending time with you:
Over-texting, lacking patience or appearing too keen gives the impression that you have nothing better to do than to wait for her to answer your message. Which is not cute.
Why? We want to feel like you want to spend time with us despite having full and busy lives! Not because you have nothing else going on…
Also, even if she did consider giving you a chance, you know, to test the waters, she is not likely to actually go forward with it and spend the time with you if you’ve already shown her all of your cards.
She won’t want to “see how things go” if it means leading you on, considering how committed you’ve shown you already are.
You can see from the above example, I am being friendly, but I am not encouraging conversation.
If the guy did want to get me out on a date, despite being overly keen, he’d have to find a reason to get me excited to see him/excited to go on this date.
Girls are hesitant to say that we are “free” for nothing in particular… we like to have a backup plan so that we can say no (worse comes to worse).
Basically, you are more likely to get a response if you say “are you free Monday, there’s a cool microbrewery opened up in town” rather than saying “when are you free” or “are you free on Monday”.
So if you suggested meeting up with this girl you like, and she ghosted you. Take a look at the way you phrased the date question. As this could be the reason why she’s gone cold on you.
Sending large blocks of text is a sign of over eagerness. And when a girl starts to sense that a guy is WAY MORE into her than she is into him…. things get a bit awkward.
And the default response in this situation is to ghost – i.e. to avoid making the situation any more awkward than it needs to be.
It’s fair to say that being upfront and honest can sometimes be more upsetting for a guy. So to avoid confrontation, and send an awkward “sorry, I’m just not that into you” type message, the option to ghost is often preferred.
Here’s an extreme example that describes this “awkwardness” which can turn girls, like me, cold:
In this example, you give her no reason to follow up. Of course, you mean well, but I don’t think reminding her about your dorky high-school self is the best strategy to try to get her to see you as the kind of man she wants to spend time with.
You’re boring or lazy
Seriously dude? I don’t think you could have put in any less effort.
In these examples, the “flirting” you might think you’re doing is actually just cutting the conversational momentum. Remember, engaging her in fun banter is key!
In both of these cases, I was interested in talking to the guy and I gave them the chance to show some wit or creativity. But they both dropped the ball.
You’re not serious
If you’re sending messages like this, you are probably used to a certain amount of success with women. But don’t let that confidence go to your head! As much as a woman loves a man with confidence, she does not love to feel like your 11pm booty call.
And there is nothing wrong with being a booty call! Don’t get me wrong. But she’s not a Dominos pizza and she won’t be at your place in 30 minutes (not sponsored). You need to put in a little more effort.
Ghosting after the first date
It’s very common for guys to get ghosted after the first date.
Why? Because girls will be assessing everything you do on the big day…
How you organise the date, whether you’re late or not, how you act in person, whether or not you have chemistry, and also, how you text her following the date.
So if you did happen to do something that put her off – whether that was something you did on the date, or something you said after the date via text, then this might be the reason why she’s ghosting you.
Whatever it is, being ghosted after the first date can be frustrating and confusing, especially if you think the date went great.
Sometimes it’s difficult to pinpoint exactly what went wrong, but generally we can narrow it down to two common reasons why she disappears after the first date:
- You’re coming on too strong – either over text or in person. Or…
- You’re not doing enough
Let’s look at the first point.
You’re coming on too strong over text
Too many guys screw things up by sending a long winded follow-up text after the first date.
The kind of text that shows you’re overly invested and coming on way too strong.
I don’t know why so many guys feel the need to “evaluate” the date, and tell you how good the chemistry is between you both. But unfortunately it seems to be a common thing guys do.
Needy texting is a huge turn off for women. And the “after date text” is often the crux where guys revert to neediness.
But I totally get it. It’s not often you find someone you really “click” with. It can feel magical, like it’s meant to be… but even if you kissed her on the date… even if you slept with her… You’ve still got to hold back a little, and not come on too strong…
So if she’s ghosting you after the first date, maybe you’re trying too hard to lock in that second date? Or maybe you’re overwhelming her with messages? (aka blowing up her phone). Sometimes, it is just too much…
You’re coming on too strong in person
You might be scaring a girl away if you are too “full on” when you meet her in person.
Try not to let her know just how invested you are. Sure, a little excitement is good to show, but if you’ve told your mom about her already, you’re showering her with compliments, or you’re trying too hard to impress her, she might get the impression that you’re a little intense. And this will make her pull away.
If you feel like this is you, try to take a step back and wait for her level of investment to match yours. She might not be ready to be your girlfriend just yet, so give her time 🙂
You didn’t make enough effort on the date
Maybe you’re a shy guy, or maybe the conversation felt forced. Not doing enough might also make her feel uncomfortable. You can’t expect her to feel a spark if she’s uncomfortable, right?
If you are worried about running out of things to talk about, just come prepared with a couple of prompts and the conversation will flow naturally from there.
A girl wants you to make an effort on the date. She wants to feel special and have a unique experience. If you plan an amazing first date, she’s less likely to ghost and flake on you further down the line.
You didn’t make enough effort over text
It’s also possible you’re playing it way too cool. Don’t let her forget about you! Girls like you to follow up text within 24 hours of the first date, otherwise they’ll assume you don’t care.
If you wait a week before following up, she probably won’t take you seriously. Dating is all about momentum. If you have an amazing first date, you want to keep the ball rolling and escalate things in a timely fashion.
If theres a huge delay in the follow up after the first date, and a lack of momentum with the texting in between dates, then the girl you like might get bored, lose faith and go cold…
OK now let’s look at the second BIGGEST reason why girls ghost. And that is…
#2: “They did something I disliked”
Maybe you texted her something weird, or maybe the first date didn’t go to plan. In these scenarios, it’s more difficult to recover… if so, you might need to take a time out. Let the dust settle a bit before re engaging again.
It’s good to take a step back and read through your previous interactions with the girl. Really think – why is she ghosting me? I’m sure if you scroll through your messages you might get a sense of why exactly she’s gone cold and distant.
Was it something you said which completely changed the dynamic thereafter – maybe a picture you sent, a badly timed joke, or an inappropriate video?
See if it was an isolated event that made her go cold. Try and trace back to what it was. Did she call you out for something you said, which you may have brushed off as a joke?
There’s often a lot that can be read between the lines.
If so, don’t beat yourself up! You can still easily turn things around and get her messaging back!
Now, one of the most common “isolated events” which causes a girl to ghost you is the first date. So let’s look at the common things guys do wrong on the first dates which women dislike.
First date mistakes
If she’s not messaging back after the first date, try to reflect back on the how the date went – what you did, or what you might’ve said which caused her to ghost you.
See if you can identify a problem, because you might’ve committed one of these 8 first date mistakes.
- You chose boring first date activities
- You arrived unfashionably late to the date. Like 30+ minutes late…
- You were way too serious and failed to make her laugh
- You were overly invested from the onset
- There was no chemistry between you both / awkward vibe
- The conversation dried up
- You were overly sexual or rude
- You tried to lockdown the second date in the diary before the first date was even finished
Any one of these reasons may be at the source of why she’s ghosting you. Here’s 15 more reasons why you might not be getting a second date to see if you can identify the issue.
What to do if a girl ghosts you
If she’s ghosting you, it doesn’t mean it’s game over. There is something very powerful about the long game. Providing you play your cards right and react accordingly…
Because how you deal with being ghosted is absolutely KEY to your survival.
Overreact, and it’s game over. You’ll ruin your chances of ever seeing her again. And she’ll most likely block you.
So, what to do when a girl goes cold? Let’s start with the WRONG way to respond.
Do NOT guilt trip her
She wants to go out with a guy who makes her feel good, not with someone who makes her feel like shit or who makes her take pity on them.
If a girl flakes the first date, she feels bad enough as it is, so don’t twist the knife in the wound. Never tell her how upset it’s made you, or how she’s “wrecked your plans” for the night.
Guilt tripping is a massive red flag. And doing it early on in the relationship will set a bad precedent of whats likely to come.
I know it’s upsetting for a girl to flake on you or ghost you. But you’ve gotta try and play if cool and avoid making her feel bad about it.
DON’T be butt hurt
It is very difficult to recover from being a little bitch. If you lose your temper and aggressively overreact to being ghosted, It’s gonna be hard for you to recover.
Girls sometimes cancel the first date as part of a “screening test” to see how you cope under pressure. It’s her way to filter out the good guys from the bad. So how you react to being cancelled on, will very much determine whether or not you “pass the test”.
And if you react badly – you either guilt trip her or lose your cool, she’ll likely go cold.
It’s best to try and keep calm and be understanding of the situation like in this text:
Do NOT Beg for her back
I feel like this goes without saying. Please never send this message if someone cancels on you:
Never beg a girl to message you back or try and convince her to date you. Even as a last ditch effort like in the Snapchat above…
The butt hurt text, the guilt tripping message, and the last ditch effort ‘hail mary’ text can all put “the final nail in the coffin”. So best to be avoided!
In most cases, with the right strategy, you CAN recover from being ghosted. But not in cases like these. Just learn from your mistakes and move on.
What to do when a girl goes cold
Take a step back, identify what you are doing wrong (if there’s a pattern, or if it’s an isolated event, etc.), and regroup.
Because the first step is understanding where you might have slipped up. And if you’ve made any of the mistakes above she’ll probably be a little frustrated with you…
But don’t worry, you can turn the situation around. 🙂
I hope this article has given you some insight into why she’s ghosting you right now. Just be patient and give her a bit of space before re-engaging with her again.