If you want to know exactly how to attract women, look no further.
There are countless how-to guides on attraction flooding the web, yet most of them leave you none the wiser. Why? Because they are written from the opinions of men.
I mean do guys really know what goes on inside a girl’s head? No. Of course not!
NOTE: If you’re serious about attracting women you’ll want to adopt these 10 traits.
So what better way to learn how to attract women than to ask the women themselves? And who better to ask other than 21 of the world’s best female dating experts!
From this group interview you’ll discover what are the BIGGEST attraction killers, how to avoid them, and learn the secrets to building attraction to get the number closes you’ve been longing for.
But first things first, it’s important we cover the core traits women find attractive in a man.
WARNING: This article is 9,000 words long. If you prefer video learning we recommend this video:
(It’s the best way discover how to master attraction in a short space of time)
Ok so let’s get started!
5 Traits Women Find Attractive in a Man
A man of status. Women want to be desired by a powerful man. If you’re perceived to be of higher status around the people you interact with, you hold the magical power to attract infinite women into your life.
Status is determined by two things – how you present yourself and how you behave around women.
Although some factors (genetic makeup and wealth) are somewhat out of our control, there are many small changes you can make to appear like a man of status.
Keep fit, hit the gym, eat healthy, and taking pride in what you wear. If you want to attract high value women start dressing like a high value man.
You don’t have to wear designer labels and flash a rolex to dress well. Just start by dressing more like a man than a boy. Like James Bond or Damon Salvatore in the Vampire Diaries, rather than Harold Wolowitz from The Big Bang Theory.
In terms of how you behave around women, your status is determined by your level of confidence.
Confidence. When it comes to attraction, confidence is everything. It’s like catnip to women.
If you’re a man who goes after what he wants, is a leader of people and has a higher perception of himself over others, women will find you attractive.
As opposed to the guy who’s worried about making a move, follows the crowd, and puts women on a pedestal when he talks to them.
If confidence is something you struggle with, here are a few tips to grow naturally confident:
– Assume every girl is interested in you
– Don’t be ashamed to express your sexual desire
– Focus on teasing a girl rather than complimenting her all the time
– Relax your body posture. Keep your chin up and make slow, non-jerky movements when gesticulating and turning your head.
– When talking to a girl, ask questions to get her qualifying herself to you. eg. “Give me one good reason I should buy you a drink?”
Self-love. Attracting women isn’t all about appearing attractive, it’s about being attractive from within, and expressing your positive qualities to the women you interact with.
You can understand why self-loathing guys struggle to get girlfriends. If you play the victim and hold a negative view on everything, women will repel you.
Learn to love yourself first before you can love someone else. Think “Would I date me?”
The more you invest and ‘love yourself’ the more attractive you’ll be in the eyes of women. And with this, you’ll find women come into your life naturally as a by-product to all of this.
To become more attractive within, take pride in your appearance, and focus on pursuing your passions.
Be adventurous, take up something you’ve always wanted to do. Maybe that’s an extreme sport like rock climbing, surfing or motorcross.
But don’t pursue an activity for the sole reason of impressing women. Do it because YOU want to do it. Whatever your hobbies and interests are, it’s extremely attractive if women can sense your passion in the way you talk about them and the amount of time you dedicate in pursuing them.
A sense of humour. If you can make a girl laugh and show you’re fun to be around, she’ll associate positive feelings with you.
Attraction is an emotion, it’s defined by how a girl feels about you. Her attraction for you is not logically determined by a screening process – your job, looks, hobbies and interests.
So don’t treat your interactions with women like an interview. Dull conversation kills attraction. Rather than ask boring questions like “Where are you from?” Instead play the guessing game. “You sound like you’re an Essex girl with that terrible accent of yours”.
Concentrate on showing your funny side, make lighthearted conversation and tease her senseless.
Playful and exciting. Women love the thrill of danger and excitement. They want to be rescued from the boredom of everyday life. If you can be that guy and provide the experience a girl craves, she’ll find you attractive.
To do this, focus on being playful around women. Joke around, be spontaneous, tease them, and tell interesting stories about your life.
And try role playing different situations. Women love role play. Pretend you’re hiding from FBI agents, and need a girl’s help to escort you to the bar unscathed.
The ability to excite a girl is like a drug – give her what she desires, and she’ll keep coming back for more 😉
Ok so those are the 5 traits!
Now you need to know how to pepper these core traits throughout your interactions with women.
So let’s quickly go through how to confidently attract a girl you’ve just met 🙂
How to attract women you meet
Smile and hold eye contact. Remain locked in eye contact and follow with a light smile to relieve the tension and avoid looking like an expressionless garden gnome.
By holding eye contact and smiling you are subtly expressing your sexual desire for her in a confident way.
Relax your body language. You want to be looking calm, cool and calculated under pressure. Not like like a meth junkie waiting for his next hit. Keep your body language open, never cross your arms. And lean back slightly so you don’t come across threatening.
Keep your voice low and speak slowly. A calming deep voice is very seductive. Think Joey Tribianni on ‘Friends’ and his famous pickup line “How you doin?”. Speak slowly and accentuate your words like you’re telling a story to captivate her attention.
Listen and give her your full attention. Women love a good listener. Don’t get distracted and break eye contact, even if the Super Bowl is playing on the TV behind her. Be fully engrossed in what she has to say.
Show your sense of humour. Rather than complimenting her and asking vanilla questions like “what do you do for work?” instead, tease her. Break her balls.
Tell her she looks like a low class stripper in that outfit. Or if she’s standing on her own, tell her she’s a loner and has no friends. As long as it’s all tongue-and-cheek you can get away with it 😉
Make her work for your attention. Use your body language to position yourself so she has to lean in to talk and fight for your attention. Ask questions to get her qualifying herself to you. For example “I have zero time for dull girls, do you do anything fun in your spare time?”
Tell stories, and never brag. Bragging screams neediness and low confidence. “Pick me, please find me attractive!…I make lots of money and drive a Ferrari…. did I mention I make lot’s of money?!”
If you happen to drive a Ferrari, don’t feel the need to tell a girl straight away. Instead tell interesting stories about your life so she can work out for herself whether you’re successful and a man of status.
Show your desire for her. The desire of being desired by another man is extremely sexy for a girl. Unleash the beast! Be the man who goes after what he wants. Tell a girl “You’re the perfect combination of sexy and cute” (a great quote from Crazy Stupid Love) and don’t apologise for saying it.
So now that you know the core traits and how to implement them into your interactions, it’s time to ask what the female dating experts think about attraction!
We had a lot of fun putting this interview together and would like to thank everyone who got involved! Be sure to visit the experts’ sites to learn how they can help you become better at dating.
NOTE: We also asked 31 Pick Up Artists how to pick up girls in 7 different situations in a parallel interview here, and then combined the results from both interviews to make this fun infographic on how to talk to women and build attraction!
To crack the secret code of attraction you have to start by learning from your mistakes. So we asked the dating experts this question:
“A woman meets a man in a bar who she’s initially attracted to, but later in the interaction she becomes disinterested…
What do you think are the 3 biggest attraction killers that men are guilty of making?”
We collected 21 amazing replies chock full of awesome advice on attraction like nothing you’ve seen before!
So without further ado, lets start by finding out what the experts think are the BIGGEST attraction killers:
The Biggest Attraction Killers (voted by 21 Female Dating Experts!)
#1 Not holding eye contact / poor attention span
#2 Too much sexual intent
#3 Bragging & Talking too much (tied third place)
#4 Risky topics – i.e ex girlfriends, sex & politics
#5 Being too drunk
#6 Bad hygiene
#7 Being over eager
#8 Not being present – i.e. not enjoying the moment
Read on to discover each dating expert’s top 3 BIGGEST attraction killers together with their awesome tips on how to build attraction in an interaction!
And after reading this post, be sure to check out our review of this popular system that’s helped over 100,000 guys meet and attract a loving loyal girlfriend into their life.
You can either jump to your favourite dating expert using these quick links below or commence scrolling!
Alison Blackman, Amanda Rose, April Braswell, Ariel, Blair Glaser,
Christie Hartman, Cija Black, Damona Hoffman, Dr. Wendy Walsh,
Ellen T. White, Jen Friel, Julie Ferman, Kelly Seal, La Blonde,
Lindsay Chrisler, Lisa Clampitt, Neely Steinberg, Sarah Beeny,
Shereen Faltas, Stephany Alexander, Vanessa Taylor
NOTE: Responses are listed in the order they were received in.
Stephany Alexander | Stephany Alexander
In my opinion, the 3 biggest attraction killers that men are guilty of making:
1. Bragging too much and not being a good listener. Many times men try to impress too much by talking about themselves and bragging, sometimes even exaggerating the truth to impress the woman. Although it’s important to share a bit of information when meeting a woman, bragging can be a huge turnoff and most women can tell instantly when a guy is full of it.
Listen to what a woman says, ask her questions, be interested in what she has to say because it is firstly about her and secondly about you when you initially meet.
2. Not making eye contact. Staring at a woman’s chest or her other assets, looking around the room, texting or fiddling with your smart phone are all huge turnoffs. Your goal is to make a connection with the woman and that is done through eye contact and uninterrupted attention. Anything else feels dis-ingenuous.
3. Do not make sexual innuendos. Don’t make sexual comments, don’t say anything sexual, and definitely don’t touch her upon first meeting her. You are trying to develop trust and this immediately ruins it. A woman wants to feel special and not like a piece of meat. Say something complimentary about her hair, her outfit, her shoes or offer to buy her a drink.
Stephany Alexander is one of the world’s most well-known relationship, infidelity and dating experts. She is an entrepreneur and founder of WomanSavers.com. Ms. Alexander is the best-selling author of “Sex, Lies and the Internet – An Online Dating Survival Guide” and “The Cheat Sheet: A Clue-by-Clue Guide to Finding Out If He’s Unfaithful,” Ms. Alexander can help you improve your odds in finding Mr. or Ms. Right or improve the relationship you already have.
WARNING: This is a LOOOOOOOOONG post. If you prefer video learning we recommend this video:
(You can master attraction in time for your next night out)
Ellen T. White | Ellen T. White
1. He talks about nothing but himself. I would cite this as the number one complaint women make. It’s the conversational equivalent of masturbation (crass but true).
2. She slowly starts to realize as they talk that his hygiene/grooming is not up to snuff. Alternatively, she may also realize that she doesn’t like the way he smells personally (a pheromone thing that he can’t do anything about) or his aftershave is overwhelming.
For some women, aftershave can send certain messages or have certain associations that are unpleasant. For instance, if a guy is wearing any kind of Calvin Klein cologne, count me out.
3. He seems to not really be interested in her, the person, but is clearly interested in getting laid. Back in my dating days I had highly developed sensors whereby I could detect whether a man actually really liked me or was just interested in a sexual diversion. Even if I am interested only in sexual diversion myself, I don’t want to be treated like that by the man.
The number 1 way a man can build attraction is to LISTEN – to ask a woman questions and to be sincerely interested in her answers.
Many men (most, in fact) have trouble with this. However, I have known dog ugly men who succeed with women on a grand scale by listening. A man who likes to listen to a woman loves women in general, and this is a BIG turn on.
After realising she was a siren at the age of 17, Ellen T. White has made it her mission to teach women how to unleash the power of this famous seducer. Ellen made a systematic study of the sirens among her family, friends, and the seductive women of history and unearthed the secrets to the sirens success in her famous book Simply Irresistible.
Neely Steinberg | The Love TREP
I’d say the 3 biggest attraction killers in this scenario are:
1. The guy gets too drunk.
2. He touches her too quickly or inappropriately before they develop a real rapport.
3. His attention is easily diverted as they are getting to know each other, as in, he can’t keep his eyes focused on the girl and what she’s saying or he’s not using active listening skills. A man who can listen well is a big turn-on for many women.
Neely Steinberg is a nationally recognized dating coach and founder of The Love TREP®. Her goal as a coach is to help smart, savvy, professional women of all career backgrounds build and shape their love stories using the entrepreneurial spirit, mindset, and approach. Neely has been featured in numerous media outlets, and is the author of Skin In the Game: Unleashing Your Inner Entrepreneur to Find Love.
Jen Friel | Talk Nerdy To Me Lover
1. Talking too much about themselves. I can’t stand it when a guy comes up to me at a bar and even if he’s attractive just goes on and on about himself. Certainly this works for women as well – but being capable of conversing is definitely a then on.
2. Checking out every other girl that walks by. I get that we are the dad generation but focus for at least the time a girl is standing in front of you. Total pet peeve.
3. Too quickly asking for a number. If I haven’t even finished my first drink and you’re trying to close – or worse, go in for any sort of physical contact I will definitely walk.
Ask questions and be genuinely interested and focused on the girl you are speaking to. Concentrate on conversing and being present while you are with her. She won’t know what to do with herself!
Jen Friel founded Talk Nerdy To Me Lover a blog which examines the lives of nerds outside of the basements and into the social media, and dating world. Jen is a corporate sponsored minimalist and spent the last year urban camping, living with readers of her site and documenting her adventures in social media.
WARNING: If you want to master attraction with ease then watch this:
(You can start attracting the girl of your dreams tonight)
Alison Blackman | The Advice Sisters
That being said, you asked a very open-ended question. For starters, bars are very visual places since they’re usually loud, and fuelled by alcohol. When you’re meeting someone in a different type of setting, like a singles event or a dinner party, the dynamic is different, too.
In terms of attraction killers (in general) I guess I can go out on a limb on this one:
1. The worst kind of turn off is a man who brags and talks only about himself — how much money he makes, his flashy car, the scores of women he’s bedded and how great he is as a lover and so forth – ugh!
Women are turned on by men who are into THEM and who show that they genuinely will listen and share a conversation.
2. A guy who initially is interested and then morphs into the “walking wounded” talking about his last girlfriend, his ex fiance, his ex (or deceased) wife, and how much he misses her and what a saint she was. No woman wants to hear about the one who came before her. And no woman wants to be the rebound relationship. Come back when you’re feeling better!
3. Men who are crude, who curse, who are too physical (hands, hands, hands), who say un classy things about women and who generally act like animals. No way, No how
If I could add another – men who look cute but when you get up close clearly didn’t shower well (or at all) or who have bad breath.
Alison Blackman Dunham aka. “Advice Sister Alison” is a lifestyles, beauty, fashion, and relationships expert, and co-creator of The Advice Sisters® online publications. Alison is also the Co founder and relationship expert for Leather and Lace Advice and Leather and Lace Spice where she offers a unique perspective on life and relationships. She has built her reputation offering readers a unique perspective on life, in print, in person and through the camera lens.
Amanda Rose | Dating Boutique Inc
1. They check out other woman while talking to their date. This is huge, no matter how beautiful the woman is that walks by, don’t look! Keep your eyes focused on the woman you’re trying to pursue.
2. Sloppy manners and clothes. Image is everything, especially with first impressions. Be polite and be a gentleman. Women love this! Take time to iron and pick out some stylish clothes before heading out. Women love a man who knows how to dress nice.
3. Drinking too much! When you’re out trying to pick up women or on a date keep the drinks to a minimum. I have been hit on countless times by drunk men that smell like they took a bath in the liquor store. The slurred speech, clumsy wild behaviour and bad liquor breath are all major turn offs.
Be yourself! Don’t try to play Mr. Too Cool. Women love a man who is genuine and doesn’t constantly try to impress her. You have a better chance if you are real and open about who you are.
Amanda Rose, Founder and CEO of the Dating Boutique, Inc is no stranger to the dating industry. Amanda is also the founder and co-owner of The Dating Stylist, a dating consultancy firm and the coordinator for an international matchmaking firm. She has been featured or quoted in numerous media outlets and launched the Dating Boutique Inc. to bring a more personalized experience to professional matchmaking.
Watch this video if you want to get up to speed quickly:
(It’s the fastest way to learn attraction)
Christie Hartman | Christie Hartman
1. Talking too much. This is usually due not to self-absorption, but to nervousness or a desire to impress. But it’s a very common mistake men make. Remember, you want to connect with her, not “impress” her. Get her talking too, and find common ground to connect on. Perhaps you both love dogs or both really want to see Italy.
2. Interviewing / interrogating. Some men, in a desire to avoid #1, ask too many questions or seem almost too interested. She begins to feel interrogated, like she’s in a job interview, being evaluated on her answers. Ask questions, let her answer, and then offer your own opinion or thoughts to balance the conversation.
3. Bringing up risky topics. There are plenty of topics that are useful when you get to know someone a little, but are off-limits in early interactions. These include exes, sex, politics, or anything else “serious.” Such topics can scare people away easily if brought up too soon.
The same goes for negativity about any topic. If you’re negative already, she’ll assume there’s much more to come.
Dr. Christie Hartman is an internationally recognized dating expert, behavioral scientist, and author of five dating advice books. A recovering academic and closeted nerd, Christie has refocused her overactive, analytical mind on unraveling the scientific and psychological mysteries behind dating and attraction. Catering to both men and women, she deconstructs all that is baffling about dating and makes it easily digestible to singles.
Cija Black | Modern Love Guide
1. Talking and not listening. There’s nothing worse than a guy who starts gunning down the path to tell you all about him, hardly stops to take a breath and doesn’t let you get a word in edgeways.
Conversations take two people and if you don’t let her speak then you are just giving a speech.
2. He starts bragging about well anything. When a guy goes on and on about his job, vehicles, stuff and hobbies and frames them all in terms of miraculous feats, it gets old really fast. I suspect guys do this to impress, but really what it really does is bring your insecurities front and center and then we just feel sorry for you. We also start to think about those clichés about how a man with a fast car is trying to make up for other deficiencies…
3. He gets grabby . He walks up to you and instantly puts his hand on your back, your knee or your whatever. I get that they want to make it clear that they are interested “in that way” but assuming that a woman you just met wants you all over her, invading her personal space is well just icky. Read the signs guys and respect her space.
So if you are looking to actually build attraction take that list and do the opposite:
When you approach a woman and start talking, be present and actually engaged in the exchange. Don’t interrupt her sentences or worry so much about the next thing you are going to say, that you don’t hear her. Speak, ask, listen and repeat.
It’s great to share who you are and what your life is about but understand that a woman worth knowing cares more about who you are, what drives you and what you really think about the world. What is in your heart is more important than what is in your driveway. If you really want to impress and keep her attracted stop bragging and start sharing.
When it comes to physical contact with a woman you’ve just met, be respectful. Women don’t like to be pawed but someone they hardly know.
Pay attention to body language and read the signs. If she is leaning away from you it’s not a signal to invade her space. Let her take the lead physically. If she is leaning into you then it might be appropriate to get a bit more physical. But it’s all about reading the signs and respecting her cues.
All of those things build trust and makes a guy infinitely more attractive.
Cija Black is a love and relationship expert, author, blogger, online educator and co-host of Love Bombs a weekly podcast about maintaining healthy relationships. Cija is the author of Modern Love: The Grownup’s Guide to Relationships and Online Dating and dedicates her coaching to helping people sort their relationship baggage, and find real love both on and offline.
If you want to learn how to attract women easily watch this:
(It’s the best way to master attraction in a short space of time)
Vanessa Taylor | Platinum Girl Celebrity Blog
1. Talking about an ex is an absolute ‘no no.’ This is a huge turn off for women. The woman in front of you wants to feel as if you have no one else on your mind other than her. If you’re talking about an ex within the first interaction, she’ll fast forward to what it must be like to have a date with you and picture you complaining about the ex.
A woman with healthy boundaries will have zero interest in being your therapist.
2. They do not have an equal conversation. In other words, the man talks about himself too much. A good rule of thumb when you first meet a woman is to never talk longer than a minute before letting her respond (but definitely aim for less!). This shows you’re interested in knowing more about her and she’ll realize you aren’t self-centered.
3. He’s too touchy feely. A man who is always trying to touch a woman he doesn’t know might not go down so well. The same goes with a man saying “hey sexy” or “hey baby.” Women typically don’t like it when a man uses pet names before ever really knowing who she is. Plus both situations say he talks that way to everyone.
A man can build attraction through sincerity. Many men treat women like they’re “one of the herd,” telling her “text me” or “call me.” He’s acting so cocky as in he expects her to pursue him. This comes across, though, as in he’s not very interested if he isn’t make sure to ask for her phone number.
Women also love men who act with class. A man who tells a woman “hit me up” sounds like an uneducated frat boy. Don’t try to be “down.” No matter what men think, women aren’t necessarily looking for “swag.” Quite frankly, swag doesn’t pay the bills anyway.
Vanessa Taylor, author of Text. Love. Power: The Ultimate Girls Relationship Guide for Texting and Dating in the New Millennium, knows how to make a man pursue a woman. She coaches single women on dating and relationships. Her “Platinum Girl Celebrity Blog” analyzes what famous women do to get and keep their lovers and dissects fatal mistakes that lead to heartbreak.
Kelly Seal | Notes from the Dating Trenches
1. Arrogance. If you have to pretend you’re better than everyone else to feel better about yourself, this is a real romance killer. Women pay attention to how you treat people – whether he’s a waiter, a bartender, or anyone else you come into contact with on a date. If you’re rude, it’s a real turn-off. Be generous and kind to others with your words and your actions – it goes a long way.
2. Looking around the room at other women. When a woman is on a date, she likes to feel the man is paying attention when she says something. Look at her, not at everyone else to see what you’re missing out on. Ask questions, and really listen to her answers. Keep your attention focused on the woman in front of you guys, and you will see that she’ll respond better to you.
3. Lack of confidence. If you want a woman to feel attracted to you, then give her something to go on! You have to have confidence in what you can bring to a relationship, or else you won’t be able to get past the first date. We don’t want a jerk, we like a good man who knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to go for it.
Kelly Seal is a writer, online dating expert, and former speed-dating host. She is a columnist for Examiner.com, a blogger for The Huffington Post, and a contributing writer for eHarmony, MSN Living, Your Tango and Singles Warehouse to name a few. Check out Kelly’s book – Date Expectations for more great tips.
Julie Ferman | JulieFerman.com
1. He was doing a monologue, bragging about himself, and rather than impressing her, which was likely his intent, he came across to her as an egocentric narcissist who lacks the ability to be sensitive, communicative, supportive and loving.
What he SHOULD have done? He should have made sure the conversation was flowing back and forth between the two of them, and he should have demonstrated a sincere interest in who she is and what makes HER tick.
While women in today’s image-oriented culture might be instantly attracted to a good-looking man, she’ll lose interest quickly if he isn’t demonstrating character traits that show him to be long-term partner material.
2. He gave off an overtly sexual vibe. Women want to be respected, valued, appreciated and cherished, as much more than merely sex objects to men. Even a woman who might be dressed provocatively, who might be turning on her flirt to capture a man’s attention — even THAT woman sincerely needs to be wanted for more than just sex.
A man who comes on too strong, either by what he’s saying to her or by the body language he’s giving off to her…he might get laid from time to time, but he won’t likely find a long-term partner with a really good, solid woman. Women who are truly seeking relationship typically know to avoid and shun this Lounge Lizard type of guy.
What he SHOULD have done was to keep his hands to himself and his eyes on her eyes (not on her cleavage.) He should have shown her that he’s interested in who she is, in what excites and naturally interests her. Gentlemen always have a distinct advantage in dating.
3. He forgot to be present. He got caught up talking about his past relationship or his not-so-hot dating experiences, he had a “downer” / victim vibe, or he made some kind of reference about women in general that lead her to believe that he’s a player, emotionally unavailable, angry, bitter, self-centered, or just damaged goods.
He SHOULD have kept conversation focused on the positive, holding her eye contact, paying attention, and really listening to what she’s talking about. If his sincere intention is to brighten the life of each person he gets to meet that night, and if he has no other ulterior motive, he will always draw women toward him and he’ll never be at a loss for a date for Saturday night.
Julie Ferman is the CEO of Julie Ferman Associates and the founder of Cupid’s Coach. As a dating coach, media personality, professional speaker, dating industry consultant and events producer, her mission is to dignify and simplify the love search process for selective, relationship-minded professionals. She was awarded by iDate and Online Personal Watch, the Best Matchmaker award in 2010, 2011, 2012 and also in 2013.
Watch this video if you want to get up to speed quickly:
(You can learn the secrets to attracting the girl of your dreams)
Ariel | Ken and Ariel
1. Getting wildly drunk in under 60 minutes. Many a night I have walked into a bar (with a priest and a rabbi of course), saw some handsome young lad a few bar stools down, locked eyes, smiled, and struck up a charming conversation.
Then the bar gets more crowded, and I lose track of said lad. Suddenly I spot him an hour later…with his pants off…urinating on the pool table. Or worse, he’s suddenly in my face, all pretense of normal human interaction removed, licking my forehead, or slurring some pathetic, creepy proposition involving my panties and a…meat grinder? Ew. F*ck off. Or get thee to an AA meeting.
2. A Jesus freak, a Tony Robbins freak or a paleo-diet freak. Hey, if you’re really into something beyond your consciousness or you follow a spiritual path, I dig it. But just don’t try to get me to drink the kool aid.
If the convo is constantly about how Jesus Christ is my Savior and he just wants me to be his best friend, or how having like, two strips of bacon and an avocado for breakfast will totally change my metabolism, I’m outta there faster than a whore in church. I came for the booze, not for the “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” seminar. (ba-dum dum)
3. You got—what? Hold on, just a sec–oh yeah: ADD. The guy who can barely string 3 sentences together without looking at the door to see who’s coming in, looking at the woman who just walked by (or her sweater kittens), checking his phone every 5 seconds, stopping me in mid-sentence to answer a text – yeah, that is by far a huge turn off. (And yes, both men AND women are guilty of this!)
You’re basically telling the person you’re with (or want to be with) that he/she is really not that important, not that interesting, and essentially a seat-warmer for that super model who’s about to walk in and fall all over you, you in all of your infinite swagginess.
Well, guess what? You just proved you’re the most annoying and dull person on earth, having contributed -0.005% to the conversation and obviously in dire need of Ritalin and an isolation chamber, so peace out.
Ariel is the Co-founder of KenAndAriel.com a blog providing in their words – love, sex and relationship advice for the literate, lascivious and slightly twisted. Ariel writes for the ‘Sex advice for English Majors’ column at DigBoston and is the Co-Author of the eBook Cheap Feel Paradise a fun collection of sexual exploits.
Dr. Wendy Walsh | Dr. Wendy Walsh
Sometimes there is nothing a man did wrong. He could have looked like her ex or smelled like her brother or caught her on a night when a higher status man was near. The important thing is that a man should not take it personally and move on.
The main behavior that makes women lose interest is to appear too eager or needy. Be cool dude. Imagine that hot women are all around you and interested. Just be kind and casual.
How can men build attraction, rather than kill it? Know your own and your target’s mating status. A “ten” woman hears that she’s beautiful all day long. Focus on her brain instead. A “five” woman will respond better to compliments about her looks. Also, don’t hit on a ten if you are a seven. Approach a seven instead.
Dr. Wendy Walsh is America’s thought-leader on relationships. Each week on CNN, she breaks down the psychology of sex, love, gender roles, divorce, parenting and other human behaviours. As host of Investigation Discovery Network’s “Happily Never After,” she guides viewers through the sometimes treacherous side of love. She is the resident expert at DatingAdvice.com and is the author of three books; “The Boyfriend Test”, “The Girlfriend Test” and her most recent book The 30-Day Love Detox.
Watch this video if you want to get up to speed quickly:
(You can learn the secrets to attracting the girl of your dreams)
Sarah Beeny | MySingleFriend
1. Bad manners – For me, there’s nothing more attractive than good manners. If a guy forgets to hold the door open for you, or doesn’t order you a drink when he goes to the bar, he’s not worth your time!
2. Talking about themselves too much – It might sound silly, but being self-absorbed is a huge turn off for me. If you meet someone for the first time and they’re more interested in talking about themselves than asking about you… you should run!
3. Not being able to handle their drink – I think it’s acceptable for a girl to get a little tipsy on a first date, but a man should be able to handle his drink. There’s nothing more unattractive than a guy slurring his words, or confessing his love for you before you’ve even told him your name!
TV Presenter, property expert and founder of MySingleFriend – one of the UK’s most popular dating sites. The site delivers a no-nonsense approach to dating with everyone’s dating profile set up by their friends. MySingleFriend stemmed from Sarah Beeny’s love for matchmaking. She is often described as a notorious “fixer”.
Lindsay Chrisler | Lindsay Chrisler
1. Not being present meaning you’re not really paying attention to the moment between the two of you because you’re trying to make it into something else or worrying about what you’re saying.
2. Pretending to be someone you’re not – women can smell it a mile away.
3. Once the connection is built, waiting to make a move and letting the spark go flat.
Pay attention, pay attention, pay attention. If you stay present and keep your exquisite attention on her, she will tell you everything you need to know or say.
Get her talking about her desire. What lights her up? What does she want? How is she feeling right now? Any other topic of conversation will become boring fast.
When in doubt, be vulnerable and tell her what’s going on with you instead of pretending to be suave. One of my best dates was when my fiancée bravely told me he was lonely and really wanted to cuddle.
Lindsay Chrisler is a love coach, writer and speaker who is dedicated to helping women and men have the love lives they’ve always wanted. Working in both California and New York, Lindsay coaches, speaks, and writes to help people answer one question: How do you find, feel, and keep lasting love? She is currently working on bringing her work to college campuses, designing an online program for women to create the love life of their dreams.
La Blonde | 52 First Dates.ca
Chances are you and I have been eye blowing each other all night. You’ve been chatting with your friends from across the bar while secretly sneaking in peaks at me. I’ve obviously been outlining your abs with my eyes and I pretend to hysterically laugh at something that was so not funny, just to make it look like I’m having like the best time of my life.
O.M.G. and then finally after all the virtual flirting, sh*t is about to go down. You’re moving towards me. You’re going to verbally speak to me. Real words. Human words. It’s happening and I’m so excited.
Here are three of the biggest attraction killers that you may do for me:
1. Killing the moment. Easier said than done, I’m aware. But because we’ve been having a silent affair this whole time, you need to keep that flame alive. Have some kind of cheesy pick up line ready. Girls say they are lame, but truly, we love them, especially if there was that initial virtual flirting going on.
If you make us smile, you’ve already won. Girls love to talk. We can talk about anything.
By asking for my number in under three minutes, nothing will happen. It just makes it seem like you want to get busy. So tough out the small talk, just for a few minutes, show us you’re interested. This may lead to a digit or two.
2. Don’t give me your number. Take mine. It’s the rule of dating, and I’m sticking to it. It’s in the Dating Bible: If a guy gives you his number, he’s not interested. But if he takes yours, he’s showing initiative. He likes you.
Why should I have to be the one to reach out to you? That’s awkward. You reached out in the first place, right? You can do it again!
And if I do end up giving you my number…then that’s even more of the challenge gained. You must have listened to exhibit A above! So, in that case, my cell is 555….
3. Finally, nothing is worse than a dry conversation. I mean literally dry. Like sans booze dry. It’s simple: if you like me, why not buy me a drink. Just the offer is often enough. Pretty sure you’ve just spent your pay cheque on yourself and/or your buddies lurking in the corner, so it would be very appreciated if you spent $7.50 on a beautiful complete stranger.
It won’t break the bank but only prove to us that modern day chivalry is not dead! Those seven dollars and fifty cents can go a long way; it’ll one up you with the girl, with the girl’s friends, with that guy who picked you up earlier who didn’t offer to buy you a drink, it’ll prove that you’re not a cheap-o. It will almost always seal the number deal.
And if not, at least you know you tried all of the above and made a girl feel special. One day, she’ll accept more than just your Vodka buying abilities!
Good luck, boys!
La Blonde set herself a formidable challenge – “52 First Dates” to document her one-year dating adventure as a singleton. She blogged about her trials and tribulations in dating the most eligible bachelors Toronto had to offer.
Lisa Clampitt | Matchmaking Institute
1. Looking around at other women
2. Being physically aggressive without cues of invite
3. Acting either desperate or cocky, one of the same both based on insecurity-talking about being around hot girls or ex’s that were hot, texting a lot, not paying attention to the girl in front of him and just bragging about himself with no clue of curiosity of her.
All he has to do is pay attention and complement the girl. Pretend she is the only one in the room. Ask questions, listen, look at her, tell her she looks great and of course basic etiquette of opening doors, getting her a seat etc.
Lisa Clampitt, LMSW, is the founder and president of VIP Life, the co-founder and Executive Director of the Matchmaking Institute, a professional matchmaker and relationship expert for over a decade, a book author and has been a New York State Certified Social Worker since 1991.
Blair Glaser | Blair Glaser
1. He talks too much about himself and keeps bringing the conversation back to him.
2. He keeps looking over her shoulder to see who “better” might be coming in, or stares at his phone, to see who is responding to his latest Facebook post.
3. After an initial boldness, he leaves the burden of conversation-making up to her, allowing long stretches of an empty, expectant silence (not to be confused with the good type of silence that allows for the recognition of a connection).
Guys, if you are not “good” at picking up women in bars, then I see no reason why you should strive to get better at it. If you want to meet a woman who you have a shot at creating something real with, go do something you love.
When you are doing what you love, women will find you attractive. Take a film class, go skiing, play frisbee, learn to sail, walk your dog, etc. And when you come across a woman in the same environment who is simply living her life, you immediately have something in common to talk about.
Blair Glaser is a writer, consultant, therapist and leadership mentor who assists in creating thriving teams and fixing broken ones. She teaches people how to excel on the twin journeys of loving and leading. Blair Glaser has been practicing her unique blend of therapy and coaching for 15 years and has been running groups and workshops since 1998.
Watch this video if you want to get up to speed quickly:
(It’s the fastest way to master attraction)
April Braswell | April Braswell
1. When a guy is nervous and self-conscious, he looks around a lot at others to see if they are watching him at all. He’s also continuing to check out the scene in the bar to see if there are any “better” looking women than the one he’s with. Women notice when men check out other women and always hate it. It throws away all of her attraction for him.
2. Too Much Too Fast. Don’t just race over and ask for my number the woman’s moment you see me. Sit down. Chat me up. Demonstrate your ability to engage in small talk. Buy me a drink and then ask for my number.
Make sure to find the right balance. Chatting her up forever without moving to his call for action. Why did you come over to chat with me if you weren’t interested?
3. No pointless texting. Don’t just ask for my number like every teenage schlump out there who doesn’t know how to man up and ask a woman out on a date.
Stop asking for her number just so you can text her for hours on end. The point was to get to go out with her, wasn’t it? You don’t have to ask me right here and now. But do at least say, “Can I get your number so I can call you to ask you for a date later?”
Don Juan gave men the best advice about building attraction with women. Compliment an intelligent woman on her looks, and compliment a beautiful woman on her mind.
A beautiful woman does want to hear that you think she is beautiful. At the same time, she craves to be seen for who she is herself uniquely.
Find out about her profession, her interests, and activities. Ask after those to distinguish yourself from every other guy out there. She’ll feel you’re interested in her for herself.
April Braswell is an online dating coach, dating expert and author columnist for Midlife Singles at DatingAdvice.com and most recently a featured guest appearance on the inaugural episode of Dr. Gina Loudon’s Smart Life Show on The Money Biz Life Channel. April has been coaching single men and women about dating, relationship, and love since 2002.
Shereen Faltas | Awaken The Rebel
1. They seem narcissistic. Often times when a man initiates conversation with a woman at a bar it’s fun because women like to be noticed so all is well right up front. But as the conversation continues it becomes evident that he is a selfish bastard and guess what that means? That means he is a lazy dater. HUGE turn off.
When a man comes up to a woman at a bar it is the first moment of courting, so if he immediately seems selfish she knows he will suck at courting and the romance won’t be there to keep her interested.
Women need to be romanced, courted, showed that they are special. Just imagine romance to women is what sex is to men. But you only get the sex when you have fulfilled her emotional needs first. Selfish guys have a hard time thinking about her rather than themselves so if that’s obvious in the first conversation it’s a nail in the coffin.
2. He seems to have an underlying hatred for you. It’s funny because a lot of the time when a guy goes up to a girl at a bar it’s because he is attracted to her, but because she’s a hot babe it triggers his insecurities and all the girls who didn’t like him in high school, so there’s this sort of underlying hatred for what she represents to him.
Despite how polite he is being, if he lets his snarkiness ooze out (which it inevitably will because women are very intuitive) she will smell his bitterness from a mile away and trust me it’s a repellent.
So the moral of the story is to get over your hang ups, forgive those bitches who weren’t that into you, and move forward towards a legit love.
3. He tries too hard. This may not be good advice for the blonde bombshell at the bar that looks like a porn star, because let’s just be honest SHE is trying too hard too lol.
But like attracts like, so if you’re asking MY advice…I am a super grounded goody ass chick. So I LOVE a goofy guy with a great sense of humor who is comfortable in his skin and obviously knows who he is. In fact I am marrying a man like that in two months 😉
Many guys try too hard to seem smart or impressive or rich or whatever and it’s just lame.
Women want a genuine connection with a genuine person. Sure they want to be courted and made to feel special, but this means if she says she loves Jazz music you take her to a cool Jazz lounge or concert not that you buy her a lambo.
Women want to feel heard by a real person, not showered with fake crap by a fake person. So be you, love you, and rock that sh*t. It’s hot.
Shereen Faltas is the author of The Coolest Quote Book Eva and the Founder of Awaken The Rebel, a movement that helps people who feel disenchanted with their lives to stop settling for less and awaken their inner rebellious spirit so that they can live an extraordinary life by their design. Shereen is certified in Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), and is a Certified Professional Coach (CPC, ELI-MP).
Damona Hoffman | Dates & Mates
90% of the time when a woman “becomes disinterested” it wasn’t something that the man did to turn her off. It’s that she actually wasn’t attracted to him in the first place. Sometimes men misread friendly gestures as a woman expressing interest.
If you’re in that 10% that’s actually responsible for making a good connection turn ugly, here are 3 attraction killers that might be getting in your way:
1. Coming on Too Strong. Complimenting her once is flattering, repeating how hot she is, is a turnoff.
Casually grazing her hand with yours when she says something funny is intriguing, groping her like she’s your property the first night you meet is icky. Making momentary eye contact then looking quickly away is sexy, staring her down like she’s your antelope prey is just awkward. And especially for those men at the bar who are three shots in, if you’ve been drinking your perception of her sexual signals could be WAY off so try to sober up first.
2. Your Man Smell. From bad breath to bad B.O., a sensitive lady can really be turned off by your scent.
If you’ve been on the dance floor go to the bathroom and freshen up before you make your move. Also be careful with cologne. Most women prefer a clean scent to the smell of a man bathed in Old Spice. No matter how good you think it smells, use all scents in moderation.
3. Your Cellphone. Studies have shown that the mere presence of a cellphone on a date (even if it’s just sitting on the table) creates an environment of mistrust and disconnection among partners. If you’re interested in a girl, don’t hide your anxiety by trying to show your mobile popularity. Put the phone down and focus on her and you’ll be heads and tails above the rest.
The best way to build attraction with a woman is to LISTEN TO HER. Most people just wait for their turn to speak but when you really hear what a woman says and ask questions or tell personal stories that build off of what she said, she’ll take note of you. And if you can make her laugh in the process (without trying too hard), you’re golden!!
Damona Hoffman, aka “Dear Mrs D”, is the founder of DatesAndMates.com, where she coaches private clients in both online and offline dating, and holds regular seminars and mixers. Damona’s Secret Sessions has helped many online daters polish their profiles, learn how to impress on a first date, and gain the confidence necessary to find love. Damona writes for The Huffington Post, presents workshops for Match.com members, pens a bi-monthly column on JDate, and is a featured expert on YourTango.com.
A huge THANK YOU to all the female dating experts who contributed to this interview!
Remember to give this post a share if you thought it was helpful 🙂
Lets finish off by summarising what the dating expert’s think are the top ways to BUILD attraction:
The Biggest Attraction Builders (voted by 21 Female Dating Experts!)
#1 Be a good listener
#2 Hold eye contact
#3 Be present in the moment
#4 Compliment her
#5 Build a connection
#6 Ask questions
Enjoyed this interview? Don’t forget to check out the other amazing group interview we ran parallel to this one. We asked 32 dating coaches to offer their advice on how to pick up girls!
We were so fascinated by how the advice of the female dating experts and pickup artists matched up that we decided to make an awesome infographic on how to talk to women and build attraction to combine the results. Click the image below to check this fun infographic out!
Having acquired your newfound knowledge on attraction, you might be ready to take your game to the next level…
If you’re serious about wanting to master your attraction skills, you have to check out Stealth Attraction – it is hands down the best product to raise your game now that you hold the secrets to attracting women! Read our Stealth Attraction review to see why this product rocks!
Can you think of any more attraction killers? Please share your thoughts and advice on how to attract women in the comments below 🙂